Sunday, September 20, 2009

You'd never get it out of the toaster in that shape, anyway

Me and a few friends were hanging out, and someone had a package of Pop Tarts that he, unbelievably, didn't want, as crazy as that sounds. He shouted, "Jump for it!". I looked up to see a foil packet containing two rectangles of deliciousness flying majestically in the air above my head. I jumped. Somebody else jumped higher and smacked it down. I dove. Someone lunged and kicked it across the room. I lunged toward my tasty treat. Someone stomped down and slipped on the packaging, crumbling the pop tarts and putting my delicious snack in contact with the floor and his foot. I snatched the pop tarts out from under his foot. I was victorious. My pop tarts were crumbled and dirty.

I still ate it.


Monday, August 24, 2009

Sticks to your ribs

I still ate it.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Pan(cake)'s Labyrinth

Up one Sunday after a night of heavy drinking I decided it would be nice to make pancakes from scratch. I soon realized that I had none of the proper ingredients, but feeling ambitious I decided to substitute. No flour, instead cornmeal, no sugar but plenty of packets of artificial sweeteners! I mixed in an egg or two and a cup of milk and created what looked like pancake batter ( they would just taste a little like cornbread). Once on the frying pan the cornmeal lumped to the middle and the artificial sweetener mixed with egg bubbled around it and started smoking. Solidified it looked like a fried egg... a cakey dry cornmeal circle surrounded by a clear, frighteningly plastic like substance with bits of cooked egg in it. It smelled like someone had covered a corn muffin in glue and lit it on fire.

I still ate it.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


So I'm packing up after a long weekend at the beach. I see a Fig Newton wrapper at the bottom of my bag. I ate half of the Fig Newton on the train ride to the island but forgot about the other half until now. The Newton is ridiculously smooshed and has been sitting in my bag (which has been on the floor) all weekend. Our beach house has ants and Matt saw a mouse one morning.

I still ate it.

Monday, August 10, 2009

They just washed these steps last week, I'm sure it's fine...

Bought a slice of cheese pizza en route to the subway and had it in a paper bag that was poorly closed. While running down the stairs the slice fell out of the bag and onto the subway stairs, cheese-side down. Only one other person, an elderly Polish lady, saw this take place, so... I still ate it.

I gently wiped it off and ran to the other side of the platform thinking I could eat it in peace and only she would know. A few moments later she walked by shaking her head at me and glowering and then went to her friends standing nearby and told them what had transpired. They all watched me eat my shameful, dirty pizza while talking about me in horrified, heavily accented English.


It's A Nail-Biter, Folks!

A few months ago my roommate made a huge pot of turkey chili, while eating it she bit down on something hard. When she pulled it out of her mouth and examined it we found it to be a toenail.

We still ate it.

~Donna D.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

We have a winner in the drunken-still-ate-it category, I think

Quite drunk, because it is after all a Tuesday, I realize I skipped dinner and am starving. I take some dollar-store dumplings out of the freezer, defrost them, throw them in a pan to fry...

And fall asleep.

Awake to smoke, flames, and the sound of breaking glass from the firemen climbing in my apartment. They liberally douse the kitchen, including my always sad and now almost tragic dumplings.

After my brush with death and serious lecture from New York's Bravest, I am slightly less drunk but even more famished.

I still ate it.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Umm, I don't think that's oregano...

After a night of boozing at the Jersey shore, I opened the previous night's pizza box in hopes of leftovers. To my hungover joy, there was one slice left—I took a bite only to realize that the box (with the leftover pizza inside) was used as an ashtray!

I still ate it...


Shoulda ordered a Jack n Coke

Grabbed a slice from the pizzeria next to my local bar with my last $2 in cash. Put the slice down on the bar and promptly spilled my Stoli Raspberry and 7 all over it. The bartender, to be funny, picked up the lime from the drink and squeezed it on top.

I still ate it.

This mate's askin' for it...

This guy. On a pizza.

I still ate it.

Monday, August 3, 2009

40 percent of all San Loco tacos are actually eaten this way

My friend and I stopped by San Loco to load up on guaco tacos after a heavy night of drinking. We bought about $27 dollars worth. Not suprisingly we didn't finish them all so I stuffed 2 into my oversized cargo pants pocket. The next morning I woke up hungover in my clothes, remembered the leftover taco in my pocket which by this point had been severly mashed during the night. It was body temperature warm, and slightly gross, but I didn't care. I needed something in my stomach.

I still ate it.

~Andy Pants

It would've been rude to not eat at this meeting, you have to understand.

I was running late for a lunch meeting and in a rush I went to grab my lunch out of the communal refrigerator. When I made it to the conference room I noticed it wasn't my lunch—and the bread was a bit moldy.

I still ate it.


Go away kid, ya bug me...

I always woke up just long enough in the morning to give my 8-year-old son breakfast and get him on the school bus. One day he began complaining that there were ants in the cereal. I did not have my glasses on and insisted that there were not. Later in the week I had a bowl of the cereal and there was indeed a faint taste of ants—and the formic acid they exude, as the gardener next door explained.

I still ate it.

More sour cream, please...

Finally scored my friend’s famous 3-alarm chili recipe. My first time making it, I’m having trouble deciphering some of the handwriting but I think I’ve got it. Turns out I did have the jalapeno, Tabasco, and chili powder amounts right but those two tablespoons of cayenne I put in? Supposed to be teaspoons.

I still ate it.

So a-peel-ing

I opened a box from a publicist that had been sitting on my desk for weeks. Inside were candied orange peels. I was hungry and I love sugar but they felt more than a little hard and stale.

I still ate it.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Hands are the original forks

I ordered ooey, gooey mac 'n cheese from Chat 'n Chew but didn't get to eat it because my friend puked outside on the sidewalk. I took it to go, got onto a NJ transit train and realized I was drunk, starving and had no utensils of any sort.

I still ate it.

How could you resist?

I had been a vegetarian for 6 1/2 years, and was traveling in Peru. I'd heard that guinea pig was a local delicacy. Looked kind of gross, and it'd been a long time since I'd eaten meat. He still had teeth in his mouth, and a couple of hairs on his body, but... I still ate it.


Perhaps a little moldy cheese on top?

A coworker came to the office with a bunch of snacks from a trip. I’d avoided the Parmesan-sesame crackers, which someone said tasted rancid, until I was working late one night and got hungry. I took a small bite of one of the crackers: Yup, definitely rancid.

I still ate it.

And then I ate the rest of the bag.


King Me

I drove through a Burger King once, was starving, and psyched about my onion rings. I had to hit the brakes hard, the bag flew onto the floor of the car. I scooped them up as fast as I could. They most likely had the scum of the earth on them.

I still ate it.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

It was caviar... in a tube

I still ate it.

It's hard out here for a moth

I made pancakes fried in a pan caked with burnt suicidal moths over a campfire and flipped with a dirty hatchet because we forgot a spatula.

I still ate it.



I brought pasta to work one day and wanted to put Parmesan cheese on it. I searched the depths of the refrigerator for a leftover delivery-pizza carton... Success! I found one in the darkest corner of one of the produce drawers. I dumped its contents on my pasta and mixed it all together, but was shocked at first bite when I realized it was actually garlic powder.

As my company doesn’t pay me too much and I was trying to be good by bringing my lunch that day... I still ate it. (And didn’t talk to anyone the rest of the day.)

~Jenny Lamb

New Year's Heave

New year's eve, drunk as can be, I purchased a package of sliced ham and cheese from a 24-hour 7-Eleven. After opening it, even in my drunken state I could tell that it was oddly slimy. I checked the expiration date and it was November 1st.

I still ate it.


Late bird gets the worms

I was in the middle of packing to move. It was well after midnight and I was starving but I had no food in the house except one last container of microwave Kraft mac & cheese. I opened the container and added water to the fill line. As I stirred the noodles and water, several little food worms floated to the surface, like the kind you see in flour or oatmeal.

I still ate it.

~Lisa Gay

Double dawg dare ya

At a street fair in Brooklyn, there was cotton candy in a public garbage can. A friend of mine who used to work in a restaurant with me, mocking my long history of garbage-mouthing, pointed at it and said "you'd probably eat that." It was public garbage and I don't like cotton candy.

I still ate it.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Feeling Sluggish

Went out for Thai food on a summer night, sitting in the back garden. When I return from the bathroom 2 slugs have crawled from the vine-covered fence onto my Pad Thai. I freaked out, threw them and made a scene.

I still ate it.


Don't rain on my pancake

Sunday I'm riding my bike when it starts raining. I duck into a Chinese restaurant to wait it out. Order mu shu vegetable. Phone rings, I'm invited to a fancy dinner, I ask counter lady to make mu shu tu go. Stuff it into my backpack and pedal away. It rains again. My mu shu gets soaked. I take the Chinese food to work the next day, pull out the mu shu pancakes, which have stiffened to cardboard texture with brown edges where they got rained on. Co-worker says, "That looks like a dirty kleenex."

I still ate it.


That's Nuts!

Post three glasses of wine at Von, I was eating some mixed nuts with craisins on the couch and watching TV. Few hours later I’m getting ready for bed and I discover a sunflower seed and a craisin had fallen down my shirt and stuck to my boob.

I still ate it.

Now is that love?

Cleaned out my purse this morning... apparently hadn't done that in a while. Found a heart-shaped "You're hot" candy that must have been in there since Valentine's Day. It was gummy in a way it wasn't supposed to be, and stuck to the bottom of the bag.

I still ate it.

Lo mein and behold

Last night I found week-old lo mein in my fridge. I tasted it; it was gross. I threw it in the garbage. Fast-forward three hours. I am stoned. I wander into the kitchen and remember the week-old lo mein nestled in the trash. I take it out and inspect it. Still gross. Grosser, even.

I still ate it.

~from garbagemouth

Might choke Artie...

Last night I dropped some TGIFriday's microwavable spinach-artichoke dip onto my New York magazine crossword puzzle. It was good dip and I was only halfway done with the puzzle.

I still ate it.

Then I dropped the chip I was going to use to scoop it off the puzzle onto the floor.

I still ate it.

Milk Mishap

Poured myself some milk with a bowl of Special K and bananas this morning. Tasted kind of funny. Checked the date on the bottle; best by July 23.

I still ate it.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I'll just pretend I didn't see that...

I bought a delicious-looking chocolate brownie from 7-11. I really wanted a brownie. It wasn't cheap. I believe it was even labeled: healthy! Or... natural! I returned to the office and took a bite. Then I saw it had mold all over the bottom.

I still ate it.

Not-so-fresh fruit

Company-meeting leftover fruit plate in the office kitchen.

I eyed the beat-up canteloupe and settled on a piece... It had some bruises and certain places were both darker and clearer than the rest.

I still ate it.